Dirty Dick Baron

Dirty Dick Baron was a man without limits.

Metaphorically. Physically, he was bound to a chemo lung for many of his later years, but that didn’t stop him from grabbing life by the teats and milking it dry.

Born the son of a humble owner of a few dozen cotton plantations and textile mills, Dirty Dick spent his modest upbringing in rural Mississippi (also Texas, Louisiana, New York City, Boston, Philadelphia, the south of France, Spain, Italy, and parts of the Congo, where he learned to whip).

Dick was admitted to Yale at a precocious age after a generous unrelated donation from his family’s estate. He would go on to have contentious disagreements with faculty, staff, students, peace officers, and several unfortunate people who were “just at the wrong place at the wrong time, if you catch my drift.” The Dean of Yale soon decided there was nothing left to teach young Dick Baron, so after another generous unrelated donation, Dick became the first student to enroll and graduate Yale in the same week. A record that would still stand to this day if Dick wasn’t inexplicably blacklisted from the enrollment records. He “got him a diploma somewhere though, and he gon’ show it once he finds out where the hell he put it, probably in the trash with all the other fucking garbage.”

Dick would then spend several years cattle-wrestling in Europe, a market he described as “untapped” and “so ripe he could motorboat it.” Upon his deportation to the U.S., he described Europe as “so sissy they didn’t know what to do with a real man,” and he never returned, but not because he wasn’t allowed to. It was his choice.

While searching for the key to immortality, Dick discovered radiation. He didn’t know what what it was or what it could do, but it was glowy and it killed people and that was enough for him. He started putting it in everything—toothpaste, handguns, pet food—and soon found there was no limit to where he could arbitrarily add radioactive materials.

Once the first atom bomb exploded, Dick knew he had made a wise investment stockpiling uranium. “Hot damn! Who’d a known it could kill so many people at once!” he was fond of saying in front of noticeably uncomfortable people.

By this point Dick was confined to his chemo lung. Needing to cement his legacy, Dick came across Bruce Tuffington and Randleman Aloysius Clayton, two hungry young bucks with a pro-radiation message Dick could sink his tooth into. Aided by Dick’s childhood fondness for trains that hearkened back to his first buffalo kill, the two dashing strangers hit upon the perfect combination of appeal and nostalgia to gently guide Dick’s mental degradation towards personal financial gain.

Following an impassioned pitch by Bruce and Randy and a particularly rugged tug-sesh from his masseur, Dick wound up bankrolling the entire Rescue TRAIN franchise. “ALL ABOARD!” Dick was heard to shout at the climax of the meeting. Rescue TRAIN ran for five seasons on the TNA network (“You know what we stand for!”) and was simultaneously published as a tie-in comic book that remains a smash hit in Portugal.

Dick died soon after the fifth season finale. His condition had worsened, and on a cold November day he passed peacefully from this world while hunting Yeti by snowmobile. All media and merchandise relating to Rescue TRAIN was then gathered by the U.S. Department of Energy and sealed in Dick’s uranium mine for the safety of future generations.

Only you and your money can bring Rescue TRAIN back to the surface! Help us spread the warm glow before it’s too late. Don’t throw your half-life away!